Before I write down my feelings, I shall say that today is the big day for me: Remember, Remember the 30^th of October.

 

One year ago, if my memorization was correct. When the person who I would always remember, she gently picked up the violin start singing “The Mice love the Rice”. I perceived that the syllable of time paused, in that moment everything became constant for ever.

 

One year after, I could not hear her sound again; at least, in such a special mood.

 

But……She changed me, a person who is struggling inside his own cage, blustering against his destiny for such a long-term.

 

I am afraid of failure, I am afraid of myself! When the moment I got the second place in the math test, the moment I missed my chance to the Men’s 400-meter race grant final, the moment I graduated sadly from my primary school, my secondary school, the moment I didn’t admit I liked her when she asked me in my Senior High School, the moment I chose to escape from china. I defined myself as a loser!

 

Even before I came to Singapore, before I left china; I made somebody disappointed about me. I am sorry, father and mother!

 

Life is really a trick; life won’t reveal his mysteries in such a simple way. If I was not pressurized by this competitive society, I didn’t join my Karate-Do club, I didn’t give all my credit to rebuild this club, I didn’t keep going back to Ngee Ann in order to meet you. I will still be the 20 years old child for my entire life. I dug a hole for myself the moment I gained my memory. When would I jump out of it?

 

Standing besides the cliff, nobody would hesitate, because you have only one choice. You step ahead, you die! I picked up English as the only object which I could rely on. Maybe the god knows about me, I had never spent such a lot of time in just one thing, the only thing, and the unique thing. It was painful at the beginning, I woke up at 7 o’clock sharp in the morning, cycling to school, grabbed every useful material, read, read, read, and memorized. As I told my sister, “Think of it, Love it and Dream about it”. Few months later, I found I did improve a lot which I could not imagine how much? English soaked into my mind solidly!

 

“我爱你，爱着你，就像老鼠爱大米……………..”

 

Memory will slip off when you won’t take care of it, even those big moments in you life. A few months just passed swiftly, and all the memory about you just faded away unaware. Maybe it was good, maybe I would just forget about everything.

I lost my kitset, 180 dollars! Believe in me or not! I had to find some part-time job to sustain my daily expanse due to this carelessness at the end of my second year. Then, I entered Parents Seminar 2006 and met you again.

 

Still remember those stupid loves, freezing pees, chilled noses, or snows? I didn’t expect that during those hard times, I didn’t expect that I can meet you again when I felt extremely lost. Final year project was waiting for me while I was quarrelling with my teammate, Final exam was approaching while I was busy making money, I could not go back to visit my parents, even the Karate-Do club remained only two members: President and Me. How could I do? That was the only day I smelt, and I forgot everything after me.

 

Suddenly found that I still had something to pursuit, and I still had something to fulfill with all my efforts.

 

How time flies! In such a bad condition, I received two Ads in that semester, I got a B+ for my final year project without cooperating with my teammate in a three-person project, and most of all we rebuilt our club with my dear president and my “brother”. How would I complain? After that I even met you several times on the bus No. 184 and that bus stop became the only one which I would not miss. I did a great job for just myself, didn’t I?

 

Am I finished?

 

No! Long time never see you again after exam, do we? I could not express how much I would like to see you again!

 

When I was sitting inside the lecture theatre presenting the CCA fiesta briefing, out of my prediction, you came in? Changed, totally! I didn’t dare to just say “hello”; I closed my eyes, let it go, let it go, let it go.

 

In the pitch black, a little aches on my shoulder. Who would it be? Turn around my body, a smiling face shining on me. Wow! I would be ashamed of myself. You spoke to me, remembered me, right?

 

Here, I need to tear off this mask, the shit mask. Without that over-confident shell, there is only one bashful soul crying out there.

 

What happened following was so clear. I met my sister, and out of less than one percentage possibility she’s your roommate. How could I say? Coincidence out of conincidence. I do not believe the coincidence, I do believe in myself.

 

But, the god continued to play tricks on me. Misunderstanding, failure, lost; again, invaded my life and I was wandering in every hot mid-night with my confused life. How would I satisfy myself if I would not tell you the truth? Ngee Ann, or may say Singapore, they taught me how to get rid of any suspicions and devoted myself to one thing, they taught me how to be just yourself dealing with all the hardships, they taught me how to smell whenever there is a surprise presenting in front of you. But at last, I went through each obstacle in front of me, there is another one crashed in. Without being in the club house, I was still the person who was wearing the over-confident, self-love mask walking alone the darkest shadow. How could I content?

 

I didn’t understand that why I should go to school on last Thursday, I didn’t understand why I should pick up the “Shawshank Redemption”, I didn’t understand why I should sit in the third floor watching the movie, and I didn’t understand why you should come to the media room. After all, the consistence of walking back to campus start to go into effects and the money that I deposited in your account was waving the hands to me. Is it the time for splashing them?

 

We talked, I didn’t know where did I find the courage to walk to your desk and searched the topic to chat?

 

………………………….

 

I splashed the money and they won’t come back anymore.

 

I redeemed myself; the one entered this world 20 years ago.

 

“我爱你，爱着你，就像老鼠爱大米…………………”

 

 

This Confession dose represents what was indeed in my mind!

 

I would not think of any consequences because of it, the one who was narrating the story for this whole year was a real “Li Xiang”. He is just too tired of keeping all the secrets.

 

A Men! Good Night to everybody.

Acute Gastritis!!!

 

I was asleeping, and I was dreaming all the hell good stuffes, it just happened. At first, it was an ache on the solar plexus and I was still dreaming but with a wierd feelings; subsequently, it spred, spred, where was I? A big big punch on my abdomen, and I woke up. Fears, depressions, why? Why would I suffer this? Oh My God! It's a level 7 pain. I could not feel my stomach, it was like some flux, yes, flux hanging on there and for gods sake, they were eating me.

 

I sank, I sank, NO! No way should I be like this, No Way! Checked my watch, it was 3:30am in the morning, except some disturbing Fxxxing noice form the other window opposite mine, I could hear nothing.

 

The pain was increasing and I could not even concentrate my mind, I was really sad. There must have something which damaged my stomach, but I was not able to figure it out. Dump it. I found that once you were sick, consiciously, you wouldn't believe and you would begin to Fxxx the god.

 

Started to vomit and diarrhea, all liquid form (Sorry, a bit disgusting). Headache, maybe. I was counting the second with my heart, the only time that I prayed I would like the time passed faster. A fast forward!

 

In the morning, went to NUH, first time sitting in a wheelchair because I really could not stand still. All of a sudden, the world became dark for me, believe or not, I am not an optimist and I have no idea of how to think in a positive way. Would I recover, or would I lay on the hospital bed for some days................

 

Transfusion, first time in Singapore. It's been over two year since I have done that. All the instruments were better than those in china, (occupational disease) good news was that I did not lose my humorous behaviours.

 

Felt better.

 

...........................................

(24 hours later)

(Part of this article were complete under a physical fever situation, the rest were finished after i got rid of my condition)

 

Life is like eating chocolate, you would never know what does your next step taste. Sufferring illness can be also remarkable. Let me know that health, happiness and insistance are more important.

 

There is something about..........

 

Ha, ha, forget about it, "May the wind always be at your back, and the sun always upon your face, and the wind of destiny to carry you aloft to dance with stars" (Quated form blow). Enjoy the life.